I guess, I'm just a myspacer now. I don't really find the time to get on here anymore. Anywho. Life is god for the people who catch me on here sometimes. But anywho. Yeah. Peace.
Wow, I was reading this saved draft from my last livejournal entry. I had barely started talking to L. This was like over 4 months ago. God Mina is getting on my last fucking nerve, I'm about to bust her ass, and let her go to sleep. I'm supposed to be going out with some friends tonight. It's almost 10pm. Good thing, I have an hour before I actually have to meet anyone there. Because they work tonight. But anyways. My myspace has gotten to be too out there. It's mainly for show now. I guess that's why I came back to my livejournal. That and to read up on Jacky's stuff. Jacky I love you girl. You're so awesome. What you've been going through, girly you rock. Kepp on keeping on. lol :) I have to clear some things out in my head. This is my boldly honest journal I guess. I love L. I can't see me without him being some part of my life. But at the same time, he's so toxic for me. My life is just a mess since I started just dealing with him. Just, I spend more money than I need to, on him, I drive more and waste gas. Drama to top all of it off. Drama I don't want or need. I feel like he's just lying to me. I've never caught him in a lie mind you. Never. He's just seemed to lie about the thing that bothers me most, that he loves me. That he loves my daughter. That kills me. I got my child involved at too early a stage, and here we are, in a trap we can't get out of. I hate this. I feel like I need him somewhere in my life. Even in the background, but to know I can always call him. That was a huge issue. Whenever I needed him, not there. Whenever he needed me, ALWAYS there. I felt used. I STILL FEEL USED. It's like Lance all over. My heart is completely out there, and he is just taking me for a ride with the words and bullshit. I hate that about Lance. I really do. He's a real piece of work. I'm now looking forward to sole custody of our beautiful all be it, pain in my ass, little precious Mina. I look forward to it. I wish she would just go to sleep. It's late. Such a pain. I have about 45 minutes before I need to leave to make it there on time. I gave her a bath like an hour ago. She's still not falling asleep. Pain. If I lay down with her, she feels me move from the bed. At least sitting here at the computer, she's on the bed by herself. And I can leave when she crashes. She has those lazy eyes. She's getting sleepy. Oorah. I had the oddest people at my tables today. I made about $45 at work. I tipped our a painful 6.75 to the scout, and I busted most of my tables. Towards the end, I just let her clean them. I don't even bother anymore. She's sleepy! She rubbing her eyes, that's how I know she's getting tired. She pokes them to try to make them stay open. She's fighting it so bad. The more I type, the more tired she seems. She's clapping her hands now, trying to just keep herself awake. About 20 more minutes, and I should have a real sleeper on my hands. I can't wait. Geez, it's sad. I feel the need to still go out after she's asleep. It's not like she's alone. My parents are here. If it was just us in an apartment, I wouldn't be going out at all. I wish I could have my on place. I need my own space. Away from my family. Granted we have a coosh set up now. I see them 2 days out of the week, and for abot 6 hours and that's it. I see Mina about 30 hours a week. I work about 40+. Sleep the rest. It's crazy. I want her to fall asleep. So I just keep typing away. I want so much in my life. I wish I could win the lottery. But I won't and I know it. She's talking to me now. Silly rat. I can't be mad she's not asleep yet. Had she not taken that nap earlier when mom and dad let her, she'd be asleep right now. But anyways, yeah, this is getting oober long and I'm just rattling on. Fuck Lance, Fuck L. Fuck all the dumb jerks in my life.
- Current Mood: lonely
A lot of shtuff is going down in the world of Rachel. It's crazy, Robert left for Afghanistan, and I miss him terribly. He's crazy as hell. Lance is acting like a damn nut job, being all psycho on me. He thinks we're getting back together, which is a most likely not. But I want him to do better, and to start it off, it's the only way to get my divorce papers signed immediately. He's crazy. I want my papers signed like NOW! I have to call my lawyer and let them know what's going on. But yeah.....Marleena is now putting 2 words together, like Bye Buddy. She says it like all the time. I hate this. Just money is so tight right now. Not because I don't make it, but because I'm trying to help save along with my family to save our house. It's a trip. But anywho, Nina is taking a nap, so I've broken last year's new year's resolution. I didn't make one this year, because I'm taking control of me, and that's all there is to it. I had a dream about Joe Joe last night,that was sexy. lol:)I adore Joe Joe. Just to get him one more time.......yummy. Anywho. Yeah, the thought of actually being back with Lance disgusts me. I dunno. It's just not appealing to be with any guy right now I guess. Maybe for sex, but that's it. As far as a relationship, I'm leaning towards chics. They're so much less drama. But don't get me wrong I love dick. I dunno. Guys just suck. :( But yeah, I'm outtie. Peace BITCHES!!!!!
I know I'm happy, well, not so much happy, but relieved about the divorce, but I can't shake this feeling of missing Lance. I see pics of him, and I have to remind myself that behind that sweet smile, are those bad habits, the fights, the drugs and beer. It's just he was sweet at one point, ya know? Before we got married. I don't know. If after a long time, he changed his act, I got through school, and everything, maybe we'd give it another shot. But I know he's not going to change. I don't know. I'm bugging. I signed off my papers and everything, sent them off, along with Robert's cookies, and Christmas card. I am almost done with everyone else's Christmas cards. I still have a couple to do yet. But anywho, yeah, I'm doing great, Nina is doing great, it's wonderful. :D I love being a single mom.
- Current Location:Duh, Durham.
- Current Mood: content
- Current Music:Amarillo Sky
|You Are Midnight|
You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits.
Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle.
Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it.
You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.
They have about 2 hours before they take Marleena to see her dad's side of the family. I know I shouldn't be as nervous as I am right now, but I am. I'm shaking, my palms are sweaty and I'm dying for a cigarrette. THIS IS KILLING ME! JESUS I MISS MY BABY GIRL! I kinda enjoy the freedom of having a little time to myself, but not a whole damn week! SHIT! It's bugging the hell outta me right now. I just want to have my baby back with me. I'm trying to get everything together for the sake of my sanity, but dman I'M FRIGGING FREAKIN OUT! aaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! CRAP!!!!! Gotta get it together. I know where I'm going after work, to wind down, chill out, etc. Just over to O'Charlies for a nice relaxing basket of cheddar pepper thingy ma bobbers. GOD!!!!!!!! I just wish I could chill out or something. It's not doing me any good to be loosing my mind. I know I will feel a TON better after it's all over and whatever. I think Bonnie wants me to be back with Lance. I don't want to be with Lance. He gets back on his feet after we've been married for 3 years. Why couldn't he have gotten the TWO good jobs while we were together and had taken care of our family????? He's an ass. I'm struggling with everything and it seems like his life is ALL better. Whatever. It's like I said, I was more than likely the cause of his failure, making him feel like he could just sit around the house and take care of him. I guess it was just me babying him, and now that me and Marleena have left, he's a grown ass man. Thaty's fucking retarded. Whatever. Finally calming down.....aaawwwwww, soothing chilling outness. lol. :D But anywho. Yeah....laters.
- Current Location:Duh, same place as usual, just without my baby.
- Current Mood: anxious
- Current Music:Single: Natasha Bedingfield.
Like I was expressing my feelings of inadequacy, and he said that I take things too personally, and then I explained to him how pretty much all of my life, I've been told that I couldn't do it well enough, and that I basically have low self esteem, and he said that he had to go. Like he said I was getting crazy on him or whatever. That just upsets me. I have a lot going on in my world, and yes, some days I am a little unbalanced, but I'm not crazy by any means, and I think he's just being so weird to actually get off the phone with me. I don't understand guys. They are strange, I am cool. lol. :D But anywho, I broke my side mirror, so I spent half the morning bondoing it. It was crazy. Marleena is being a pain on my ass. But she's great. lol. :D Bt that's all for now. Laters ladies.
This is how I know my baby girl's name is unique.... I put her name in the search @ yahoo.com and it came up with San Antonio TX, her full name, her birth information down to a tee, time, date weight, length, etc. Even the hospital she was born at. And it came up with my livejournal page! I tried this same experiment on several other unique names, and came up with like a million pages. Wow....I'm shocked and utterly terrified! That's horrible!
Good news first, my lawyer has drafted my paperwork, and is sending me a copy to preview before they send it to Lance. This could've been done sooner, but there is a serious lack of communication. But anywho, I just owe them like $50 and we're good to go. PLus, Marleena's mediciad needs to get done....yadi yadi yadi, things are looking good on that homefront. But, on the other romantic front, Robert and I are doing well. He's changed a lot. I just can't get over how he's the one who is apologizing for being the ass. lol. :D It's a bit confusing, because just like last time, I don't have any idea what ground we're on, are we acting like we're together as far as the whole fidelity thig, or are we free on that front? He says he's not talkig to anyone else, and that he's not really looking elsewhere, and that basically his time and effort is solely on the matter of us. O BTW I got contacts, and I look smoking. lol. :D It's hot! Marleena broke my glasses. I woke up to the sound of **SNAP** and there were my glasses broke in half on the side, lying on my floor. Marleena sat there with a big *UH OH* look on her face, and then she came up to me, and kissed me, and gave me a huge hug. I felt so bad about having the urge to beat her. Ha ha, joke, I would never hit her when I'm super angry, because then I can't control myself, so I just walked away, called my optomitrist, and made the appointment. It cost me my brake money, and now I can't drive the taurus because it's bwoken. So now I have my mom's car, which is still nice. Lance called me yesterday, being a total ass, because he now knows about Robert, and he said when I started to talk ot someone else, he would let me go. So he's agreed to my terms, but he still has to sign my papers. My mom and dad are going to take Marleena to see them next week, when they attend my sister's graduation from UTSA. But I told my mom my papers need to be signed before they see her, and delivered to my lawyer. Otherwise I'm afraid he will trip and kidnap her. I go balistic on his ass if he attempts to take my daughter away from me. He's not going to be an ass, and try to take her. It's a concern in the back of my mind. But I don't think that his family would allow for him to keep her from me. I would fly down to San Antonio, and get her myself. There would be a whole other story on that should he attempt it. I can't help but be a little nervous. But anywho, I'm generally happy today, and everyday. It's getting a lot easier. I'm such a procrastinator. I hate that. But tomorrow, I will deal with everything I've put off. Like my paperwork, basically saying I graduated from Brack, I have to send off for. I have to start registering for NCCU come January, for the fall semester for night classes, or otherwise. I'm not too sure, because I don't want to put Nina in daycare yet, but I don't know if I can actually attend night classes for my paralegal studies. I want to be a lawyer, and I will be a lawyer. I mean, what else do I honestly have to look forward to? I mean, not a man. Even if I don't have a man, I have my family, and my daughter. I mean, family will always be there, no man could ever say that and know it'll be true. My baby and family are here for me. I will graduate as a lawyer, and I will have a house by the time my baby is 10. At ten, I want the house, the fabulous car, and everything else that goes with that lifestyle. I honestly don't need a man, although I want one. I want Robert, but if he were to leave, then....Bye. It's nice to feel all fluttery, but it's not taking over my life like it did last time. I feel empowered. I feel fucking fabulous.
- Current Mood: ecstatic
- Current Music:In the End: Linkin Park.