I guess, I'm just a myspacer now. I don't really find the time to get on here anymore. Anywho. Life is god for the people who catch me on here sometimes. But anywho. Yeah. Peace.

Wow, I was reading this saved draft from my last livejournal entry. I had barely started talking to L. This was like over 4 months ago. God Mina is getting on my last fucking nerve, I'm about to bust her ass, and let her go to sleep. I'm supposed to be going out with some friends tonight. It's almost 10pm. Good thing, I have an hour before I actually have to meet anyone there. Because they work tonight. But anyways. My myspace has gotten to be too out there. It's mainly for show now. I guess that's why I came back to my livejournal. That and to read up on Jacky's stuff. Jacky I love you girl. You're so awesome. What you've been going through, girly you rock. Kepp on keeping on. lol :) I have to clear some things out in my head. This is my boldly honest journal I guess. I love L. I can't see me without him being some part of my life. But at the same time, he's so toxic for me. My life is just a mess since I started just dealing with him. Just, I spend more money than I need to, on him, I drive more and waste gas. Drama to top all of it off. Drama I don't want or need. I feel like he's just lying to me. I've never caught him in a lie mind you. Never. He's just seemed to lie about the thing that bothers me most, that he loves me. That he loves my daughter. That kills me. I got my child involved at too early a stage, and here we are, in a trap we can't get out of. I hate this. I feel like I need him somewhere in my life. Even in the background, but to know I can always call him. That was a huge issue. Whenever I needed him, not there. Whenever he needed me, ALWAYS there. I felt used. I STILL FEEL USED. It's like Lance all over. My heart is completely out there, and he is just taking me for a ride with the words and bullshit. I hate that about Lance. I really do. He's a real piece of work. I'm now looking forward to sole custody of our beautiful all be it, pain in my ass, little precious Mina. I look forward to it. I wish she would just go to sleep. It's late. Such a pain. I have about 45 minutes before I need to leave to make it there on time. I gave her a bath like an hour ago. She's still not falling asleep. Pain. If I lay down with her, she feels me move from the bed. At least sitting here at the computer, she's on the bed by herself. And I can leave when she crashes. She has those lazy eyes. She's getting sleepy. Oorah. I had the oddest people at my tables today. I made about $45 at work. I tipped our a painful 6.75 to the scout, and I busted most of my tables. Towards the end, I just let her clean them. I don't even bother anymore. She's sleepy! She rubbing her eyes, that's how I know she's getting tired. She pokes them to try to make them stay open. She's fighting it so bad. The more I type, the more tired she seems. She's clapping her hands now, trying to just keep herself awake. About 20 more minutes, and I should have a real sleeper on my hands. I can't wait. Geez, it's sad. I feel the need to still go out after she's asleep. It's not like she's alone. My parents are here. If it was just us in an apartment, I wouldn't be going out at all. I wish I could have my on place. I need my own space. Away from my family. Granted we have a coosh set up now. I see them 2 days out of the week, and for abot 6 hours and that's it. I see Mina about 30 hours a week. I work about 40+. Sleep the rest. It's crazy. I want her to fall asleep. So I just keep typing away. I want so much in my life. I wish I could win the lottery. But I won't and I know it. She's talking to me now. Silly rat. I can't be mad she's not asleep yet. Had she not taken that nap earlier when mom and dad let her, she'd be asleep right now. But anyways, yeah, this is getting oober long and I'm just rattling on. Fuck Lance, Fuck L. Fuck all the dumb jerks in my life.

A lot of shtuff is going down in the world of Rachel. It's crazy, Robert left for Afghanistan, and I miss him terribly. He's crazy as hell. Lance is acting like a damn nut job, being all psycho on me. He thinks we're getting back together, which is a most likely not. But I want him to do better, and to start it off, it's the only way to get my divorce papers signed immediately. He's crazy. I want my papers signed like NOW! I have to call my lawyer and let them know what's going on. But yeah.....Marleena is now putting 2 words together, like Bye Buddy. She says it like all the time. I hate this. Just money is so tight right now. Not because I don't make it, but because I'm trying to help save along with my family to save our house. It's a trip. But anywho, Nina is taking a nap, so I've broken last year's new year's resolution. I didn't make one this year, because I'm taking control of me, and that's all there is to it. I had a dream about Joe Joe last night,that was sexy. lol:)I adore Joe Joe. Just to get him one more time.......yummy. Anywho. Yeah, the thought of actually being back with Lance disgusts me. I dunno. It's just not appealing to be with any guy right now I guess. Maybe for sex, but that's it. As far as a relationship, I'm leaning towards chics. They're so much less drama. But don't get me wrong I love dick. I dunno. Guys just suck. :( But yeah, I'm outtie. Peace BITCHES!!!!!

I know I'm happy, well, not so much happy, but relieved about the divorce, but I can't shake this feeling of missing Lance. I see pics of him, and I have to remind myself that behind that sweet smile, are those bad habits, the fights, the drugs and beer. It's just he was sweet at one point, ya know? Before we got married. I don't know. If after a long time, he changed his act, I got through school, and everything, maybe we'd give it another shot. But I know he's not going to change. I don't know. I'm bugging. I signed off my papers and everything, sent them off, along with Robert's cookies, and Christmas card. I am almost done with everyone else's Christmas cards. I still have a couple to do yet. But anywho, yeah, I'm doing great, Nina is doing great, it's wonderful. :D I love being a single mom.

-Rachel

They have about 2 hours before they take Marleena to see her dad's side of the family. I know I shouldn't be as nervous as I am right now, but I am. I'm shaking, my palms are sweaty and I'm dying for a cigarrette. THIS IS KILLING ME! JESUS I MISS MY BABY GIRL! I kinda enjoy the freedom of having a little time to myself, but not a whole damn week! SHIT! It's bugging the hell outta me right now. I just want to have my baby back with me. I'm trying to get everything together for the sake of my sanity, but dman I'M FRIGGING FREAKIN OUT! aaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! CRAP!!!!! Gotta get it together. I know where I'm going after work, to wind down, chill out, etc. Just over to O'Charlies for a nice relaxing basket of cheddar pepper thingy ma bobbers. GOD!!!!!!!! I just wish I could chill out or something. It's not doing me any good to be loosing my mind. I know I will feel a TON better after it's all over and whatever. I think Bonnie wants me to be back with Lance. I don't want to be with Lance. He gets back on his feet after we've been married for 3 years. Why couldn't he have gotten the TWO good jobs while we were together and had taken care of our family????? He's an ass. I'm struggling with everything and it seems like his life is ALL better. Whatever. It's like I said, I was more than likely the cause of his failure, making him feel like he could just sit around the house and take care of him. I guess it was just me babying him, and now that me and Marleena have left, he's a grown ass man. Thaty's fucking retarded. Whatever. Finally calming down.....aaawwwwww, soothing chilling outness. lol. :D But anywho. Yeah....laters.

Like I was expressing my feelings of inadequacy, and he said that I take things too personally, and then I explained to him how pretty much all of my life, I've been told that I couldn't do it well enough, and that I basically have low self esteem, and he said that he had to go. Like he said I was getting crazy on him or whatever. That just upsets me. I have a lot going on in my world, and yes, some days I am a little unbalanced, but I'm not crazy by any means, and I think he's just being so weird to actually get off the phone with me. I don't understand guys. They are strange, I am cool. lol. :D But anywho, I broke my side mirror, so I spent half the morning bondoing it. It was crazy. Marleena is being a pain on my ass. But she's great. lol. :D Bt that's all for now. Laters ladies.

This is how I know my baby girl's name is unique.... I put her name in the search @ yahoo.com and it came up with San Antonio TX, her full name, her birth information down to a tee, time, date weight, length, etc. Even the hospital she was born at. And it came up with my livejournal page! I tried this same experiment on several other unique names, and came up with like a million pages. Wow....I'm shocked and utterly terrified! That's horrible!

Good news first, my lawyer has drafted my paperwork, and is sending me a copy to preview before they send it to Lance. This could've been done sooner, but there is a serious lack of communication. But anywho, I just owe them like $50 and we're good to go. PLus, Marleena's mediciad needs to get done....yadi yadi yadi, things are looking good on that homefront. But, on the other romantic front, Robert and I are doing well. He's changed a lot. I just can't get over how he's the one who is apologizing for being the ass. lol. :D It's a bit confusing, because just like last time, I don't have any idea what ground we're on, are we acting like we're together as far as the whole fidelity thig, or are we free on that front? He says he's not talkig to anyone else, and that he's not really looking elsewhere, and that basically his time and effort is solely on the matter of us. O BTW I got contacts, and I look smoking. lol. :D It's hot! Marleena broke my glasses. I woke up to the sound of **SNAP** and there were my glasses broke in half on the side, lying on my floor. Marleena sat there with a big *UH OH* look on her face, and then she came up to me, and kissed me, and gave me a huge hug. I felt so bad about having the urge to beat her. Ha ha, joke, I would never hit her when I'm super angry, because then I can't control myself, so I just walked away, called my optomitrist, and made the appointment. It cost me my brake money, and now I can't drive the taurus because it's bwoken. So now I have my mom's car, which is still nice. Lance called me yesterday, being a total ass, because he now knows about Robert, and he said when I started to talk ot someone else, he would let me go. So he's agreed to my terms, but he still has to sign my papers. My mom and dad are going to take Marleena to see them next week, when they attend my sister's graduation from UTSA. But I told my mom my papers need to be signed before they see her, and delivered to my lawyer. Otherwise I'm afraid he will trip and kidnap her. I go balistic on his ass if he attempts to take my daughter away from me. He's not going to be an ass, and try to take her. It's a concern in the back of my mind. But I don't think that his family would allow for him to keep her from me. I would fly down to San Antonio, and get her myself. There would be a whole other story on that should he attempt it. I can't help but be a little nervous. But anywho, I'm generally happy today, and everyday. It's getting a lot easier. I'm such a procrastinator. I hate that. But tomorrow, I will deal with everything I've put off. Like my paperwork, basically saying I graduated from Brack, I have to send off for. I have to start registering for NCCU come January, for the fall semester for night classes, or otherwise. I'm not too sure, because I don't want to put Nina in daycare yet, but I don't know if I can actually attend night classes for my paralegal studies. I want to be a lawyer, and I will be a lawyer. I mean, what else do I honestly have to look forward to? I mean, not a man. Even if I don't have a man, I have my family, and my daughter. I mean, family will always be there, no man could ever say that and know it'll be true. My baby and family are here for me. I will graduate as a lawyer, and I will have a house by the time my baby is 10. At ten, I want the house, the fabulous car, and everything else that goes with that lifestyle. I honestly don't need a man, although I want one. I want Robert, but if he were to leave, then....Bye. It's nice to feel all fluttery, but it's not taking over my life like it did last time. I feel empowered. I feel fucking fabulous.

I love talking to him. It makes me feel like I can rule the world. I tell him that he's my baby, and he gets all blushy over it. It's just cool. Not commited or anything complicated like that, but we're doing great. :D It just makes me smile. I do adore him. yeah, I feel like a fricking school girl. But yeah, now for the downfall.

I am going to be so late for work today, because my brother decides that he doesn't want to come home when he's supposed to. Yeah, prick. :( grrrrrrr

I just got back in touch with Robert. It's like we just clicked all over again. But like a million times over. We were just so open and just so honest about everything! I explained why we broke up, and he told me how he didn't hate me, and that we found we have a mutual want for something more. How we both felt like we were missing something while we weren't together, and how we couldn't let go of the past. Yadi yadi yadi. I told him about Lance and he told me that he felt responsible for me having gone through that like it was his fault. He told me he still loved me in some ways, but that it had been so long. He wants me to visit in December if he hasn't left for Afghanistan yet. He says he blames the Air Force for the break up, and that he hopes (we hope) that we can have something again. I don't know what to think. I'm just in such bliss except for being so damn tired from all the talking. It's like we picked up where we left off, before he had left for England. I still love him in some ways. I forgot why we had broken up, save the distance. But anywho....yeah, that's it for me.
-Rachel

Okay, Thanksgiving was great except for the fact I started to cry when we were saying what we were thankful for. It still hurts. I wish I could've had my husband next to me, and saying how grateful I am for the wonderful family I have. But no, I couldn't. I couldn't say that, because my soon to be ex husband is a digraceful bastard mother fucker. He didn't even call to say HAPPY FRICKIN THANKSGIVING TO OUR BABY DAUGHTER! It's not the fact that she'll remember, but that he's supposed to do it, because she's his daughter. Even if he doesn't want to talk to me, ya know? I just don't understand how men can let go of their children so very quickly. It seems like I only know of a few men who actually stay around for their children. Who are there as fathers, regardless of what is going on with their baby's momma. They just don't seem to care anymore. What happened in our generation? My parents, the overall older generations, know best to stick around with the family, and for God sake, be a man, and be that family! Not be a drunk looser, who let's his wifey take care of him, and then wonder why she left. BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! I ALWAYS TOOK CARE OF YOU! No matter what I did, to in any way compare to your faults, YOU always took the cake Lance. You always one upped me. Bt not in the parenting department, not in the "take care of your family" department, not in the "being a grown ass adult with responsibilities" department. yOU JUST COULDN'T GET OUT OF BEING A SINGLE MAN WHO LOVED TO PARTY! You couldn't ever be the grown man who wanted to be part of a family. I HATE YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU ARE! YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE! You gave me a beautiful baby girl, and then just walked away emotionally, you took off when I needed the man, the father. You allowed for me to be the survival mode independant. You let this happen to yourself by not being the man and the father you needed to be. All I wanted was for us to work, all you needed to do was quit everything you were doing, get an honest job, quit bringing your DUMBASS FRIENDS around the house, and that CRACK WHORE YOU WANTED TO HANG AROUND SO MUCH! I HATE YOU FOR BRINGING HER INTO MY HOME! God knows you brought her around our daughter. I LOVED YOU! I LOVED YOU LIKE NO ONE ELSE WOULD! I LOVED YOU LIKE ONLY A WIFE AND PARTNER COULD! I only wanted the best for you, how cold you do this to our family? HOW COULD YOU BE THIS JERK YOU ARE???? How do you find it in yourself to let our baby go? How can you go for one day without hearing her voice? How could yo let it go? Why couldn't you just change and be my husband? Why did you let me leave so easily? I did it to teach you a lesson, and you proved to me, you're not worth the love and emotion strain I gave for you. YOU'RE NOT WORTH ANYTHING ANYMORE! YOU ARE THE REASON WE ARE NO LONGER! FUCK YOU for being the asshole wannabe dad that our daughter will never know! FUCK YOU for making me love you and feel like I could rescue you! FUCK YOU for leading me to believe you could change! But at the same time, thank you for allowing me to see that I am okay by myself, thank you allowing me to get over you faster, and for allowing me to be the strong independant woman I will be. Thank you giving me this beautiful baby girl, that you will never know. Thanks for giving me a reason. Whatever, I'm getting over you, but I'm not over you. I left, yeah I did, what about it? You left me no choice. I tried too hard for too long. No one could understand that, because they PITTIED YOU! Whatever. You're a dick. Good luck finding someone who will give you everything you need and want without question. Fuck you Lance. Fuck you.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a lance.
Gone With the Wind (1939)
(the word was 'damn')


Pay no attention to that man behind the marleena!
The Wizard of Oz (1939)
(the word was 'curtain')


Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the Rachel Room!
Dr. Strangelove (1964)
(the word was 'War')


http://thesurrealist.co.uk/movie.php?word

I talked to my sister-in-law Dessie, and we had a very good convo, that lasted approximately 25 minutes. I sent off the babies pictures today so they'd get there in a few days. I made it a point to send Dessie, and Bonnie and Frank pics, but not Lance, cause he's an ass. Upside. I talked to Lance after I got home from running erands and taking Nina to the park to play. I made her chicken for lunch, how cool is this momma over here! But anywho, yeah, he seemed like he didn't want to talk to me, so I guess that's a good thing. I have to find my lawyers number to let them know I'm sending my payment late this month, and that it'll be $50. I'll send more next week. He won't be too upset. But yeah, I think Lance is finally going to give me what I want, and that means I only owe about $100 more to this lawyer for his awesome services. lol. :D SO yeah, I'm oober excited if Lance gives me the divorce, and isn't fighting it. He seems mad at me, and that's cool. :D *big cheese* But I have to talk to mom and dad about taking Nina over to see Lance's family in December. Dessie and Bonnie miss her real bad, and they wanted pics, and a voice recording so they can hear her talk a lot more. :D Ain't I a great soon to be ex daughter/ sister in law? I'm a great and very kind baby's momma. Oh yeah, I hated Britney Spears for marrying Kevin Federline, as did most of the nation, so I'm very thrilled that they're getting divorced too. lol. :D I'm mean. Okay, my baby is done eating her chicken, so I've gotta run. I have many things to do including laundry, all having to be accomplished in the next hour and a half. SO ciao for now bitches!
-Rachel

I actually had to get my driver's liscence today, but I'm not, because I lost $30. I am so upset with myself. IT SUCKS!!!! But anywho, yeah lost that much money. I don't know how I did it either. I know I didn't just count wrong,because I'm not that retarded. I have to send a payment to my lawyer, which is like $50. I can't believe I lost thta money. grrrrr!!!!Anyways, yeah, I'm gonna check my e-mail again. BORED!
-rACHEL

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Sprinting on the icy wasteland, brandishing a meaty axe, cometh Rachel! And she gives an ominous scream: "I'm going to pierce a hole in you the size of God!!!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tr><td height="40" style="background-image:url(http://i.myyearbook.com/images/bul_top.gif); border-bottom:1px solid black; padding:3px;" align="center" colspan="2">What kind of eyes do you have? (with pictures)</td></tr><tr><td align="center" style="border-left:2px solid black ; border-right:2px solid black ; background-color:EDEDED;" colspan="2">


Eden
You have eden eyes. Eden is the color of water. Your eyes symbolize your great flexibility. You are a creative person. You can think of many good ways to get your point across to people as you have very good communication abilities. When someone feels down or is hurt, you have the remarkable ability to help them and heal them. If you have too little going on in your life, you may be withdrawn and depressed, timid, manipulative, unreliable, stubborn, or suspicious. Some words to describe you: peaceful, sincere, affectionate, tranquil, intuitive, trustworthy, pure, loyal, healing, and stable. </td></tr><tr><td style="border-left:2px solid black ; border-bottom:2px solid black ; padding:5px; " width="50%">Take The Quiz Now!</td><td align="right" style="border-right:2px solid black ; border-bottom:2px solid black ; padding:5px; " width="50%">Quizzes by myYearbook.com</td></tr></table>

I'm taking leptopril a dietary suplement. I saw it on tv, and figured, even if it didn't work for the massive weight loss, then at least for about 20 or 30 lbs. You know? But I'm looking to loose about 50 lbs. I'm kinda scared, but I want to be down to 140 by my sister's weddin, so we both can look good for her big day, and she won't be ambarrassed of having a thick twin stand in her wedding. O YEAH! LIBBY IS GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!! July 7th, 2007. I'm rolling at about 190 lbs, so yeah, I really want to loose the fat. I don't care so much about the excess skin I hae, I just want to loose the baby fat, and the overly stressed fat. It makes me feel better to think I'm doing something for me, to help my self esteem, and I know if I loose weight then I'd have the self esteemback. :) yeah, just want to give a holla out about my week. Work has been great, except for the break down and tears, I'm doing very well. :D Yeah, I had a rough night yesterday. :D I got 6 bucks off a 110.00 dollar ticket. That is sick. There's nothing good about that. :( Then my table 11 was being a bitch, and then 21 was being an asshole. He was being mean and made me cry. :( But anywho, yeah. It was rough, but I just gotta thicken my skin a lot more. That's it for me, HUGS!!!
-Rachel