Wow, I was reading this saved draft from my last livejournal entry. I had barely started talking to L. This was like over 4 months ago. God Mina is getting on my last fucking nerve, I'm about to bust her ass, and let her go to sleep. I'm supposed to be going out with some friends tonight. It's almost 10pm. Good thing, I have an hour before I actually have to meet anyone there. Because they work tonight. But anyways. My myspace has gotten to be too out there. It's mainly for show now. I guess that's why I came back to my livejournal. That and to read up on Jacky's stuff. Jacky I love you girl. You're so awesome. What you've been going through, girly you rock. Kepp on keeping on. lol :) I have to clear some things out in my head. This is my boldly honest journal I guess. I love L. I can't see me without him being some part of my life. But at the same time, he's so toxic for me. My life is just a mess since I started just dealing with him. Just, I spend more money than I need to, on him, I drive more and waste gas. Drama to top all of it off. Drama I don't want or need. I feel like he's just lying to me. I've never caught him in a lie mind you. Never. He's just seemed to lie about the thing that bothers me most, that he loves me. That he loves my daughter. That kills me. I got my child involved at too early a stage, and here we are, in a trap we can't get out of. I hate this. I feel like I need him somewhere in my life. Even in the background, but to know I can always call him. That was a huge issue. Whenever I needed him, not there. Whenever he needed me, ALWAYS there. I felt used. I STILL FEEL USED. It's like Lance all over. My heart is completely out there, and he is just taking me for a ride with the words and bullshit. I hate that about Lance. I really do. He's a real piece of work. I'm now looking forward to sole custody of our beautiful all be it, pain in my ass, little precious Mina. I look forward to it. I wish she would just go to sleep. It's late. Such a pain. I have about 45 minutes before I need to leave to make it there on time. I gave her a bath like an hour ago. She's still not falling asleep. Pain. If I lay down with her, she feels me move from the bed. At least sitting here at the computer, she's on the bed by herself. And I can leave when she crashes. She has those lazy eyes. She's getting sleepy. Oorah. I had the oddest people at my tables today. I made about $45 at work. I tipped our a painful 6.75 to the scout, and I busted most of my tables. Towards the end, I just let her clean them. I don't even bother anymore. She's sleepy! She rubbing her eyes, that's how I know she's getting tired. She pokes them to try to make them stay open. She's fighting it so bad. The more I type, the more tired she seems. She's clapping her hands now, trying to just keep herself awake. About 20 more minutes, and I should have a real sleeper on my hands. I can't wait. Geez, it's sad. I feel the need to still go out after she's asleep. It's not like she's alone. My parents are here. If it was just us in an apartment, I wouldn't be going out at all. I wish I could have my on place. I need my own space. Away from my family. Granted we have a coosh set up now. I see them 2 days out of the week, and for abot 6 hours and that's it. I see Mina about 30 hours a week. I work about 40+. Sleep the rest. It's crazy. I want her to fall asleep. So I just keep typing away. I want so much in my life. I wish I could win the lottery. But I won't and I know it. She's talking to me now. Silly rat. I can't be mad she's not asleep yet. Had she not taken that nap earlier when mom and dad let her, she'd be asleep right now. But anyways, yeah, this is getting oober long and I'm just rattling on. Fuck Lance, Fuck L. Fuck all the dumb jerks in my life.
- Current Mood: lonely